Explicit expression is but not that easy, for I am perhaps better at subtlety, or maybe that is how I’d like to consider myself to be; yet she shall know inevitably, in due course, for the words should perhaps be read by the one for whom they are written too; not always as straightforward as one might actually think it to be though.
In reflection of my insignificant amount of time I’ve spent wandering the earth, I can’t help but to think of something that’s been with me for as long as I can remember; a nimbus cloud. My cloud isn’t a cartoon of torrential downpours. Instead, simply following always over head. The essence of it’s gray is so harmonious to my existence; I wonder if it is possible for a cloud to know me better than I know myself. It’s almost as if my own grace has been placed above me in a sentient storm of emotions.
Making things like; meditation, reading insightful literature & challenging forms of self expression new to the mind, etc. apart of daily & weekly practice has been deeply nourishing to my restless soul, but I find it harder & harder to relate to people who are more involved in day-to-day life. It’s interesting how the things most people concern themselves with serves to lead them away from the things they want most. As I expand my horizons & broaden my understanding of the world we live in; people almost seem to fade away under the titanic columns of society.
I no longer care about what everybody wants me to call happiness; instead I take on the courageous act of facing my feelings & my reality in search of what it means, for me, to be happy.
I’ve come to the realization that happiness isn’t some universal emotion we all feel when happy; happiness & being happy is the never ending journey, we all take, to feel our own emotion we can call genuine happiness.
The way I see it, one of two things is going to happen; either I will be destroyed by my own desire or I will become exactly what I set out to be. Happy. However, these aren’t just mere possibilities of outcome; it’s a decision to be made. In fact, it’s a decision we inevitably have to answer for the rest of our lives.
I think if my destiny should find me; it shall find me with courage in my heart & stillness in mind.
Still, I am absolutely overjoyed to be here another year with those I call my friends & family. I find joy that even those who call themselves my enemies are in the same pursuit of happiness I find myself in.
I do not hope this year to be good, not even in the least. Instead, I abandon all hope this year. The very idea of hope only ever implies the possibility that you will be unsuccessful in your endeavors; thus confirming the fear of failure. I will boldly & unapologetically KNOW this year of mine will unfold into a masterpiece of poetry & self expression.✨
“Sometimes I look in the mirror & don’t even recognize the man starting back at me. Day to day; things stay the same, but I look back to a year ago & wonder when things changed so much. When did I stop being me? Was it when I gave myself to these people, hoping that they’d return the favor? That’s what happened; There’s people walking around here with bits & pieces of me & now I have none left. They took who I was & now I can’t stand who I am. How can I ever love someone else when there’s not enough left of me to be loved? I know I need need to love myself, but I’m afraid all that remains is skin & bones.”
Need people to understand that if I’m online all day and do not respond to messages it’s because I need a day to not be a person and instead be one of those undiscovered species of slugs and that has lived in a cave for 1000 years and never seen sunlight and survives by eating moss
